Not really sure
why i am doing this probably because i am in the middle of
hell right now.
I’ll just do the edited highlights.
i was born a month premature and nearly died,
many times I go back to thinking how wonderful it would have
been had that happened. I have 2 sisters one older and one
younger and basically I was a replacement baby for my sister
who died at birth in the same way I would have. My mother
hates and has emotionally abused me all of my life whilst
openly loving my siblings. it started when i was 4 at least
that's when my memories begin, I was an intelligent child
and my mother was threatened by me so telling my how stupid
and unlovable i was pretty much a daily occurrences. I was
the one who got smacked not my sisters my older sister is
the perfect daughter and still is and my younger sister was
a mistake that my mother tried to rectify and has been feeling
guilty ever since and so my little sister could do no wrong.
me however well I was always getting it wrong, I am dysphasic
although it wasn’t heard of when I was a child and as
such am very clumsy, this became another stick for my mother
to beat me with. I could tell countless stories of abuse both
emotional and physical but I don’t have the energy for
that right now but it happened almost very day of my childhood.
my dad was pretty much non existent when
I was a child but as an adult we grew close, he understood
my depression because he himself suffered in silence, we talked
for the first time a couple of weeks before he died, he had
a massive heart attack no warning just went to sleep and never
woke up. It’s been 10 years and I still haven’t
come to terms with it and I don’t think I will.
i got diagnosed about 18 months ago but I
had been in and out of the mental health system from being
16. i crashed at work physically, work was the only place
where I knew who I was and was confident because I was exceptional
at what I did, when I stepped into the office I became a different
person, nothing phased me I had pressure coming out of my
ears and thrived on it until after 9 years I burned out. I
haven’t been back at work since, not for want of trying,
they are bullying me to resign and an industrial tribunal
is looming.
There is one person in my life who loves
me for me, we met on another website about 17 months ago and
although we had a rough time of it about a year ago, we came
through it stronger. She is the one person who keeps me alive
because I can’t bear the thought of not speaking or
seeing her ever again. I worry my bpd will eventually drive
her away and that scares me more than anything. We have a
wonderful mutual friendship where we are there for each other,
i am still learning how to be sometimes but she is patient.
As a result i have been welcomed into her wonderful family,
her kids are amazing and her husband has given me some amazingly
thoughtful gifts, he has taught me so much and never makes
me feel stupid for asking and that is just amazing to me.
I have a gorgeous 4 year old nephew who is
the light of my life and soon i am to be an aunty again as
my older sister is 27 weeks pregnant after 4 or 5 miscarriages.
My quest is for peace and I pray that that
will come soon.
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